Out{side} my window, a silver chandelier
Dripping dry ice >> flawless as paragon <<
Above ebony trees, the moon hides
< fat cheeks > slice of beauty -
Wind rides a black pillar this night
Wrapping [dead things] in resin &
//layers// of glass
I wait..... not for the thaw of snow
But for the << shattering >>
Slow motion of loop { arc of force }
After my long guilty confession
My fingerprints stained of grease,
I am caught inside this urn { honed by fever }
Encased in this >nebula of darkness<
Light, [he stops me], shimmers bet-
ween / / cracks
The scars -- you carry never occurred
but in your << heart << heart <<
Posted for dVerse Poets Pub - Punctuation and Enjambment by Bjorn Rudberg. This is repost of a poem, edited with punctuation.
Please join us when pub doors open at 3pm EST.
I do love the rework of the poem... but it does feel strange to see the ice during the heatwave **smiles**
ReplyDeleteThe use of the brackets does enhance the rhythm of the poetry and I like how it looks on the page.
This was written during winter, smiles!
DeleteI'm going to be brutally honest and say that I very much like the original poem, and the rework doesn't add anything for me. I find the extra punctuation distracting and unnecessary. Rather than helping the rhythm it breaks it. Love the poem, hate the punctuation :)
ReplyDeleteOh, you have so punctuated this poem, Grace! I love the way it looks and sounds with the hyphens and different kinds of brackets - I can see that ice chandelier dripping dry ice and the moon hiding fat cheeks. I love '//layers// of glass' both as a metaphor and as stylistic typography!
ReplyDeleteYou had me at /Wind rides a black pillar this night/. You rocked the be-jesus out of the prompt for sure. I think there is a poetic form that uses odd break and overripe brackets and such. I, too, like the way the words look on a page. I play with that a lot in my own stuff.
ReplyDeleteThe punctuation sure gives it a new spin indeed.
ReplyDeleteI like the punctuation around ">nebula of darkness<". It seems to push one into oneself even more.
ReplyDeleteI love these lines;
ReplyDelete"wrapping [dead things] in resin &
//layers of glass//
I love the scars only carried in the heart! Amazing how much baggage we pile upon ourselves.
ReplyDeleteYou played with brackets and more eloquently! Love this
ReplyDeleteI went back and read the original, and was intrigued by the contrast. I like the poem very much, for a start. The punctuation made it more of a visual event - I almost felt you needed a different font or format to really make it explode off the page- but I also liked just being able to concentrate on the words and the meaning. I'm getting more and more interested in how a poem sounds, and you can't pronounce brackets (!) so you gain visually but maybe lose auditorily. Which isn't a word, I don't think, but I can't think of another one.
ReplyDeleteThe various tools used (punctuation etc.) give a very visual and live performance of this poem.
ReplyDeleteThe punctuation is interesting, and it gives the poem a sort of jittery look--like a movie made with a handheld camera. I think I prefer the first version though.
ReplyDeleteThis is perfect. Love it.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking if you write a peom with punctuation in the first place it belongs, but taking one that didn't and adding it sometimes changes it in a distracting way. I'm finding that out as I read everyone's work this week.
ReplyDeleteI like your poem better the first time it's a wonderful poem either way. Love the descriptions!
I feel a bit overwhelmed by the punctuation but the //layers// of glass is clever!
ReplyDeleteThe scars -- you carry never occurred
ReplyDeletebut in your << heart << heart <<
Love this. All of it is wickedly clever.
Your poem really moved me. I liked so much of the imagery - the image of the wind riding a black pillar in particular. Suzanne from the Wordpress Blog - Being in Nature.
ReplyDeleteLove how the punctuation works here
ReplyDeleteI wait..... not for the thaw of snow
But for the << shattering >>
instead of a calm and mellow demise, i feel the energy.