Thursday, August 2, 2018

Frozen glass (2)









Snowstorm poured - daggers -
Out{side} my window, a silver chandelier
Dripping dry ice >>  flawless as paragon  <<

Above ebony trees, the moon hides

< fat cheeks > slice of beauty -
Wind rides a black pillar this night
Wrapping [dead things] in resin & 
                                   //layers// of glass

I wait..... not for the thaw of snow 

But for the     << shattering >> 
Slow motion of loop  { arc of force } 

After my long guilty confession

My fingerprints stained of grease
I am caught inside this urn  { honed by fever } 
Encased in this   >nebula of darkness<

Light, [he stops me], shimmers bet-

            ween / / cracks 
The scars -- you carry never occurred 
but in your << heart << heart <<

Originally written here







Posted for dVerse Poets Pub - Punctuation and Enjambment by Bjorn Rudberg. This is repost of a poem, edited with punctuation.  
Please join us when pub doors open at 3pm EST.    

19 comments:

  1. I do love the rework of the poem... but it does feel strange to see the ice during the heatwave **smiles**

    The use of the brackets does enhance the rhythm of the poetry and I like how it looks on the page.

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  2. I'm going to be brutally honest and say that I very much like the original poem, and the rework doesn't add anything for me. I find the extra punctuation distracting and unnecessary. Rather than helping the rhythm it breaks it. Love the poem, hate the punctuation :)

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  3. Oh, you have so punctuated this poem, Grace! I love the way it looks and sounds with the hyphens and different kinds of brackets - I can see that ice chandelier dripping dry ice and the moon hiding fat cheeks. I love '//layers// of glass' both as a metaphor and as stylistic typography!

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  4. You had me at /Wind rides a black pillar this night/. You rocked the be-jesus out of the prompt for sure. I think there is a poetic form that uses odd break and overripe brackets and such. I, too, like the way the words look on a page. I play with that a lot in my own stuff.

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  5. The punctuation sure gives it a new spin indeed.

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  6. I like the punctuation around ">nebula of darkness<". It seems to push one into oneself even more.

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  7. I love these lines;

    "wrapping [dead things] in resin &
    //layers of glass//

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  8. I love the scars only carried in the heart! Amazing how much baggage we pile upon ourselves.

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  9. You played with brackets and more eloquently! Love this

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  10. I went back and read the original, and was intrigued by the contrast. I like the poem very much, for a start. The punctuation made it more of a visual event - I almost felt you needed a different font or format to really make it explode off the page- but I also liked just being able to concentrate on the words and the meaning. I'm getting more and more interested in how a poem sounds, and you can't pronounce brackets (!) so you gain visually but maybe lose auditorily. Which isn't a word, I don't think, but I can't think of another one.

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  11. The various tools used (punctuation etc.) give a very visual and live performance of this poem.

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  12. The punctuation is interesting, and it gives the poem a sort of jittery look--like a movie made with a handheld camera. I think I prefer the first version though.

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  13. I'm thinking if you write a peom with punctuation in the first place it belongs, but taking one that didn't and adding it sometimes changes it in a distracting way. I'm finding that out as I read everyone's work this week.

    I like your poem better the first time it's a wonderful poem either way. Love the descriptions!

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  14. I feel a bit overwhelmed by the punctuation but the //layers// of glass is clever!

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  15. The scars -- you carry never occurred
    but in your << heart << heart <<

    Love this. All of it is wickedly clever.

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  16. Your poem really moved me. I liked so much of the imagery - the image of the wind riding a black pillar in particular. Suzanne from the Wordpress Blog - Being in Nature.

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  17. Love how the punctuation works here

    I wait..... not for the thaw of snow
    But for the << shattering >>

    instead of a calm and mellow demise, i feel the energy.

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